Excerpt

Lee heads up the stairs coughing and dragging ass. I hate that she’s so sick. I look down in my arms and realize I now have care of a child.

Well, I’m f*cked.

I debate calling my mom to ask what exactly I should do. She would probably laugh at me then hang up. There was no way I couldn’t help though. Natalie looked like death. Plus, this should score me some brownie points.

Kids like television…I think. I decide that should be our first thing. Aarabelle and I sit on the couch as I turn on the game.

“Alright, Aara. Let’s see if Rodgers is going to screw it up or we’re going to kick some ass,” she laughs. “Shit. I probably shouldn’t say ass. Or shit. I’ll shut up.”

Now I’m talking to a baby.

We spend the next hour or so taking every possible toy in the house out. She plays with this weird ball thing that spits them out the top. Whoever thought flying balls was a good idea should be shot.

Aara starts to really fuss as panic begins to rise. “What do you need? Food? Toys? Want to go outside?”

I pick her up, and the smell hits me straight in the face.

“What the hell does she feed you?” I ask aloud. I’ve been around guys after field meals that don’t smell as bad as this.

“Okay, diaper.” I say looking around the room. “Where are they?” I ask hoping she can at least point. Instead, she just cries louder.

My phone rings and I pray it’s someone who knows something about kids. I look down only to see Quinn’s number.

“Yo,” I answer and keep searching for the stash.

“Are you at Lee’s?”

He’s a real Einstein. “Yeah, she’s sick so I’m watching Aarabelle. What gave it away? The screaming baby in the background?”

Quinn laughs so loud I have to move the phone away. “Dude. She must be on her death bed to let that happen.”

“Fu—dge you. I’ve got this. She’s a baby not a bomb.”

“Right,” he laughs again. “Well, while you’re playing house I’m heading to get laid.”

I hate him. I really hope his dick falls off. “Good for you.”

“Hell yeah it is.”

“Do you know how to change a diaper?” I ask absently. Quinn has a younger brother so maybe there’s a chance.

“Yeah, do you?”

“You’re so damn helpful. Look,” I glance at Aarabelle lying in her crap on the floor. “She’s rancid. I need help.”

“Well, Dreamboat…good luck.” He hangs up and I swear I’m going to punch him in the balls next time I see him.

I see the bag that Lee carries around and rummage through. Ha! Diapers.

“Okay, Aarabelle. We got this.”

She just stares at me. Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is going to be a mess.

I unsnap her shirt thing and wait for some kind of divine intervention. Okay, this should be easy. I can take apart an M-16 with my eyes closed, jump out of a plane undetected—I got this.

“Maybe there’s a Youtube video?” Aara just stares at me. “Yeah, I know I’m an idiot but whatever.” I grab the diaper, and lay it flat. Once I pull down the dirty diaper, I immediately regret it. “How in the world did you do that?”

I contemplate going to wake Lee, but then I’ll have to listen to how I couldn’t handle it. Defeat is not in my vocabulary.

I get her cleaned up without any catastrophe and get ready for phase two.

The diaper is in place, but when I pull the tab, it rips off. What the hell? I try the other side and that one same thing.

I grab the spare diaper and try it more gently but this one the entire stretchy side comes off. “What the?”

Aara starts to cry. “It’s okay…shhh.” I try to calm her, but she cries louder.

I look around for something to close this thing since I have no idea where the rest of her diapers are. “Don’t move.” I say standing with my hands out hoping she’ll stay put.

There’s no tape anywhere, but I remember in my bag I have rope. I’ll just tie it on. I rush back over where she’s still crying, and I start to talk to her. Aarabelle doesn’t relax as her legs go flying all over the place. By some miracle, I manage to get one diaper on the front and one covering the back. That should do it. The tab on the one side sticks so I try to arrange the rope holding the other.

“See, I told you,” I smile holding her up. The diaper stays put, for now.

I grab the bottle that’s in the fridge, and rush back in the room. Seriously, it’s worse than an explosion. I shut the lights off so I don’t have to look at it. Once I get Aara on the couch she drinks her bottle as we both relax.

Crisis averted.

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